e one week he'd wanted passed already...many tings have happened..tings tat happened to bro,george..everythin..hmm.when i received e call from mom,i dint noe wad to do..i really needed someone dere for me..but,i noe lovell wudn be..i had no one to turn to..called george and i cudn reach her..hmm..just tat mornin,i felt lyk doin wad bro did..i just wanted everythin to end..i really wanted everythin to stop and i can no longer feel it no matter how it hurts my heart..tat aftnoon,mom called..i felt horrible..i dint noe who i cud turn to..tats when i realised,im alone..alone wif no one else...

wad happens to e 'hun,i needa slp le,its 2le..'hmm..next min,door bell rings,'sorrie hun,i call yew ltr,bye.'hmm.aft all,he'll say his sorrie,he wans me dere,he misses me and everythin..hmm.it feels lyk his sayin it just for sayin it...actually he doesnt hafta say all these to lyk make up to it.it just makes me feel lyk,'oh..i left her,i shud say tis,if not ltr she not happy..so beta say...'hmmm...

hmm..i dint wan to blog..but i feel terrible nt havin a place to throw everythin out..

everythins changed..hmm..toked to hun on e fone when he was havin his break..kinda gone when i toked to him..cant rmb wad we said..but i tink he dint realised tat i drank..anw,i dunno why i cried oso..but just did..he dint realised it too..but,tats fine..he went to work..den i slp at spore 230 lo..yupps.woke up when he call me..

felt terrible..headache and wanted to puke..nvm..hmm..den he went to buy knife.den took cab home.but e fone kup..tried callin him,he nv answer already..so,yupps.he called me when he reach home..hmm..den e usual routine..den his mom come home den he just kup me.came back he not dere liao..oh well,its okie.den he went pom pom and eat dinner.den i wait for him lo..hmm.i waited but,he nv call me back and stuffs.so,i knew he was gamin le..so dint wanna disturb him lo..den he called aft he saw e msg..den yea,i was rite..he was gamin..hmm.in tat case,ii just pretend wan slp lo..den he muted his mic..hmm..at tat moment,i felt my heart break once again..tears filled up my eyes..hmm..even aft so long,it still happens day aft day..well,i laid dere wif my eyes open,but him not noe-in it..soon,he went to bed..hmm.so i watched my ma la tian hou gong..but really dint have e mood to watch it at all..looked at him while he slpt..i feel hurt..i feel pain..nvm it..i went to slp..

woke up many tyms.he was still slpin at 19ish and his dere..his bro dint take e laptop..i felt happy..but,at e same tym,i felt fear..anytym his bro wil be back and he'll be gone..tried to accept it,and went back to bed tinkin i wont see him till tomolo..woke up sooo many tyms just to see if hes dere..yes he is..but i still feel tat fear..finally his awake and told me his bro is only comin back next week..happy i am..he woke up and started gamin..hmm..happy i am tat his awake,but...we never toked cos he was gamin..hmm..tis is how i use to tink of myself in his heart..

1.me, 2.me, 3.me, 4.me...now,hmm..1.bro, 2.frens, 3.games, 4.drama, 5.me...first bro,bro not dere,frens..when both not dere,his drama and games..hmm..tings have changed hasnt it?i no longer feel tat 'concern and e importance' of his anymore...it seems lyk im just an alternative now..perhaps tats wad he meant by its been too long since im away..everythin changes..for e pass few days,its been his game and his drama..although we're on skype,but  his gamin..he'll say im quiet and all.but when i tok to him,he cant really hear..he gets to engrossed in his game..hmm.maybe tokin when yewre gamin is e wrong tym..in tat case,i choose to slp..but not really slp.just pretend..ltr on,he'll be aslp..

i dont feel e importance of me in his heart anymore..more and more temper and everythin..wakin him up in e mornin cud tell so much.. its so much different from how it use to be..'can give me 5more mins ma?!', 'urgh!!!', 'tsk,and cover blanket over head'...tis mornin to be honest,if i was e one wakin him another tym instead of his mom,i wud have gotten tat instead of his mom..its just e wrong tymin when his mom called him once more..i cud feel it..hmm..i dunno...

hmm..hasn he wondered y i din go out to get groceries?hmm..i wud love to..but i cant..hmm.i cant wear my pants..my knee is infected already..it hurts..but,i dint tell him..i mean,i noe wad he'll say..e when his home,his gamin..and tats when i'll tell him..and his reaction wud be..'yew ar..i dunno wad to say..yew dunno how to takairre of urself..'and continue his game while sayin it..hmm..kinda makes me nt wan to tell him stuffs anymore..feels lyk im disturbin him wif stuffs tat i wanna say and he doesnt care..hmm..simply,tings have changed and will continue..

hmm.lovell called me when he reached home..den kinda felt weird..hmm..den ltr on,cant rmb how it links to e dress...den he make me wear it..

den wear liao,he say i cannot wear it out..yupps..but i really love e dress!!i feel tat its damn nice when i wear it!!hmm.lovell say too lou so cannot wear it out..den say i look hot when i wear it..i can see from his eyes tat he was shocked tat i wear until lyk tat..but,i oso can see he not happy i wear until lyk tat..hmm..but honestly,how to wear tat dress out?go party wear until lyk tat,is totally ownself find trouble de...but i tot e dress looks really good..

den we tok for awhile lo..den his leg pain..ask him see doc,he dont go see..i oso dunno wad to say..must be today dance too much and stuffs le ba..tats why ba...hopefully it gets beta b4 he starts work ba..shud be next week monday jiu startin work le ba..hope its gonna be a good environment for him den...hmm..i tink oso dint really tok much..toked bout his bdae present..he asked me where his bdae present is and stuffs den said he gave me so many tings for my bdae,yet he receives nth at all..hmm..sorrie..i just tot maybe yew'll prefer receivin face to face..but,oh well.nvm..den nth much le,he jiu orh orh liao..he orh orh i oso fell aslp le.yupps..skype kup cos he nv charge his fone..den i woke up at 2ish..felt hungry but cant be bothered to make tings to eat..so,dint eat..den watch my kang xi..den around 3ish lovell jiu wake up den call me again..den he fell back aslp aft awhile..den internet connection got prob so kup again..den i watched todays kangxi..its hei ren and fan wei qi..

hmm..first tym on tv together..hmm..its very gan dong..tears rolled down at a scene or 2..den it showed tomolos yu gao..its damn gan dong!fan fan was singin for hei ren..hmm..den fan fan felt tat everythin was boring and pointless in their 7th year...theyre together for 10years now...yupps.hmm..hei ren is not sweet enuff to fan fan...but theyre really very compatible as a couple!hopefully everythin wud go smoothly in future for em ba..10 years is a very long period of tym to be honest!!!especially when theyre yi ren and they face so much stress and everythin..

hmm..dunno y i will cry when i see it..maybe i just randomly tot of some stuffs and tat made me emotional and stuffs ba..hopefully everythin will yu guo tian qing ba..he told me to give him a week..aft hes bro book in everythin will be back to normal..will it?i dunno..im hopin it does..wad if it doesn?wad if deres no bro for weekdays,he go to work,den aft work hes got his frens and weekends hes got his bro?will tings be able to go back to b4?i dunno...
hmm..lovell said he'll wake me up ltr for sch at 1030..hmm..i said no need.but he say he just wanted to do smth sweet..but,i noe very well,at 1030,spore already 630,by den his bro is already back le..so,its fine..he'll forget bout it..den i mite feel beta when he doesn wake me up,cos im e one who said he dint have to,instead of me havin tis hope tat he wud,and he forgot or smth..i dint ask him to call me when he wakes up cos i noe by e tym he wakes up,hes bro wud be back soon..and i wont feel beta when i noe he hang up on me cos of his bro or when i wake up and he dint give me a call.although its happened many tyms,but it still hurts..

hmm.ke neng shi xin li shang de an wei,huo zhe shi yi jin jian jian de xi guan le ba..xi guan gui xi guan,dan,dang shi qing zai du de fa shen shi,xin li hai shi hui jue de tong tong de,ye ming bai le zi ji de fen liang he di wei qi shi ye bu guo shi ru chi..shui ran ming zhi dao shuo yi tao que zhuo yi tao,dan hai shi hui bao zhe qi dai de xin qin den dai..dao tou lai,shang de que shi zi ji..anw,hope tings wud get beta cos i really do need yew..

woke lovell up den he say he no needa go interview liao cos e sheraton hotel accepted him..yupps..so he went back to slp.den i oso went to slp..hmm.den george alarm awhile ltr den ring liao..so dint get to really slp..yupps..den she release e air from e bed damn fuckin noisy den,wash up and tok to her mom,den i fuckin dulan den nv slp lo..yupps..

den i woke up at 11 wash up and stuffs den went to e mall for food and buy georges last min stuffs...den we had BK for lunch..not so bad oso la..hmm.lovell went clubbin wif bro..anw,den went shoppin awhile,den went to tesco to get her cheese ting den came home le..den she bought a heels..den she cant put into luggage den ask me to pack for her lo..she dowan to listen to me lo..idiot!!i already say liao..den she oso dowan listen..in e end rush help her pack lo..den she was amazed how much i cud pack into e luggage lo!!!.......idiot..den in e end,needa rush for e bus lo!!!!idiot!den lucky lo,got dere,e bus was already movin.den george stopped e driver..den lucky sia!!!if not miss e bus!!!yupps.den she went up e bus lo...so i walked alone slowly back to home lo..

felt really lonely..although deres so many ppl around,but it felt really quiet..den took my tym to walk back to my room..stood outside e flat to smoke..smoked slowly..everythin felt really quiet..hmm..yupps.den went up to my really quiet and messy room..hmm.felt really empty in my heart..really quiet..hmm..dunno y..everythin just felt...i dunno wads e word to describe it..but,it dint feel good..hmm..although george is gone and im on my own again,but i kinda wan tis..i just wanna stay in my room and on my bed and do nth..2 weeks felt sooo long and tired..im really tired already...

hmm.anw,came back to room to pack e room and all den went to pom pom..toked to daddy mummy too..called george as well..everytins fine..she checked in and did her refund tax ting liao..den went walk around..yuppps.den i watch ma la tian hou gong lo..yupps.now waitin for george to board her flight den will call her awhile ltr..yupps..

okie..prepared go shoppin in e mall..den went to e mall at 230..den went to la dolce vita to have lunch..i had same normal food..carbonara..den george had e mushroom tingy..hmm..and had 2 cocktails.i dunno wad george ordered..one of it tasted so horrible..lyk medicine la!!den e other one is nice la..den e stupid george made me make me drink e horrible one den she drink e nice one.wadever..den today i treat lo..cos daddy say de..yupps.den got construction gng on in e pub..den,we quickly finish den went off liao lo..den went shoppin at e mall for george relatives lo..yupps

went to oxygen,and i bought a dress for 15pounds!!!its damn sexy de la!!!!blue de..damn fuckin nice lo!!!!!ya.den i bought it.yupps.dunno when den will wear until lo..yupps.den went went around walk walk wif george buy her stuffs.den went primark..she damn wad la!!!i chose 2 colours of e polo shirt i wanted..den george purposely went to go choose and den buy one for her dad aand ah gong!wth la!!den she ask me buy!den is lyk..i wear same shirt as ur dad and ah gong,wtf la?so dint buy..yupps.den she bought her stuffs den went to buy mac ice cream den came home...but by e tym i came home,lovell already fell aslp already..yupps.

reach home cook soup for dinner only and ate e left over fried chicken from ytd..den watched ma la tian hou gong while eating.yupps/den finish eatin george jiu do her packin and stufss.wah..i see how she pack,i really cannot tahan la.really not a smart traveller.yupps.but tell her liao.she die oso dowan listen.so wadever...den we watched ma la tian hou gong again den lovell suddenly woke up..den fb me..den fb for quiet some tym den he fell aslp again..yupps.den watch watched and watched..den help george check in and book coach ticket for tomolo..den continue watch..den lovell woke up again cos dad call ask him go down take tings..yupps.den watch watch watch.finally george fell aslp..yupps..

hmm.lovell fb-ed me bout e same issue again..hmm.i really dunno wad to say..i mean..he wans me to guan him..but,lyk ive told him..if i did,he'll hate me..he says he cant feel e love when i dont care bout wad he does..but,i do..but i keep it in my heart..if i did say it out,he'll be down again and promise tat he wont do it again..but,e next day or maybe afew days ltr,he'll do it again and e same ting wud happen over and over again..den wads e point?i mean he gets upsets when i says it..i get upsets when he doesn do wad he preach..so,i dunno..hmm.i dunno wad to do..lyk deres soo many different issues..maybe now cos lovells gt hes bro,den ive got george now..he asked me to give him another week den his bro will book in le..hmm.i dunno wad to say..i nv expect him to spend more tym on me even if hes bro books in in less den 2 weeks..so its fine even if he dint..lyk when i wake up,hes bro is already back..so he hafta pei bro..den when he is done wif his bro,im out wif george..den he goes to bed..den everyday,its lyk tat..he just dont have tym for me tis few days..i dont mind and i wont wan him to promise and swear..just tat i feel tat deres not really a point in doin tat..yupps..

hmm.woke up.but din feel lyk gng for lecture and workshop so continue to slp all w way till 12ish 1 den wake up..hmm..fb lovell on and offs when i wake up..yupps.hes havin another interview tomolo at orchard..hope everythin goes well..yupps.

hmm..i dunno y now im really scared or i dunno wads e rite word to describe e feelin i have towards his bro...hmm.i noe he meant well for lovell..wan him to play more and stuffs when he is young and all tat..wif him by lovells side,tellin him stuffs which are very big influences to lovell,mite just change tings just in a sec...i feel bad enuff leavin lovell alone in spore..den wif his bro sayin tis,i really dunno if im doin e rite ting anymore..i dunno if i shud be holdin on so tightly smth i cherish so much but am hurtin him so much in e end...i really aint wanna do tat to him..

hmm.okie.while waiting for laundry,fb lovell for quite abit..den he cannot take it liao jiu went to bed lo..yupps..felt really bad bout it..made him wait till 6 in e mornin den dint even get to tok to him at all..feel really horrible tat he dint slp just to wait for me..yupps.haix.

hmm..tings are not good..i dunno how to say..i seem to yi shen yi gui now..lyk everythin oso needa care..everythin oso dont believe even if he told me himself..but,i really aint wan him to feel lyk how he felt when he was wif yc..i dowan him to feel tat im so sticky and guan him in everyway..lyk..i dunno..tats y i nv say anythin and guan him in anyway.cos i noe he hates tat when ppl guan him..it'll irritate him big tym and e relationship wud only end up worst den it is now..

i aint wan him to feel irritated by me..i aint wanna be selfish..i aint him to feel lyk its a burden havin me as his gf..i aint wan him to feel irritated and raise his voice at me..i aint wan him to have 'shit,ive gotta tok/meet wif sandra!!!damn!!!'tis kinda feelin..i realised he wudnt tell me everythin and wud keep tings which hee tinks tat i shudn noe just lyk e day he went drinkin wif his clique and bro..if we werent tokin e next few days about it aft tat nite,i wudnt even noe bout it.i mean,it seems lyk im tellin him everythin..tings seems to have changed..i aint wan tings to turn out lyk tat..

hmm..its been lyk tis for almost 3weeks now i suppose?since b4 george came?roughly 2weeks-ish..haix..tis 2 weeks-ish ive tried to make tings go back to normal..tried to tok to him as if nth happened..im sure i did try..but,everytym,somethin new wud come up and make a mess outta it!but i kept tryin..im kinda emotionally tired..so tired till i cudn take it on e train.i really dint expect tears to roll down just lyk tat...tried and tried and tried..

havin tings gng on lyk tis for almost a month which is when his bro,doesnt hafta book in for a month..hmm.i suppose if hes bro dint hafta book in anymore in future,im afraid tings wud be worst den it is now.wif his bro next to him,tellin him tings lyk tat often,is enuff to change his tinkins,i really dunno..hmm.now it makes me feel as if hes feelins are already gone,everythin done now,are just for e word responsibility?i dunno..i dont see tings which wud happen months ago happenin now anymore..all of it seems soo far away from me...

hmm.wanted to wait for lovell to wake up and cal me..but i fell aslp..so dint get to tok to him bout wad muumy told alan..hmm.den i woke up,i saw miss call and fb msgs=)felt really good at tat tym.but oso felt scared..im scared i get e answer i aint wan when i ask him bout it..anw,he went to interview..everythin okie..hopefully he gets e place..yupps.den he called me and i asked him lo..hmm..not really e answer i aint wan..he said he did go over but dint clean up properly..yupps...trusted him lo..yupps

anw,woke up at around 645 cos alan needa go sch..den he go pom pom den me and george wake up help him prepare,pack everythin..yupps.den he went off liao='(dden me and george go pom pom den prepare to leave le lo..we were early..had our breakfast.and george pissed me off.she damn attitude ask me stop usin fone and come down eat..den say i keep fb lovell..den i pissed off say its my life,y she fuckin care..den walked off.den came back down to have breakfast wif her..den went back up pack..den was early so sit on bed for half hr and fb lovell..den we went off..waited for bus for ages!!!!!yupps.in bus nv tok at all...

den reach e bus staion den went walk around den take cab go salisbury station..den took train back..was fb-in lovell all e way..den daddy called den say lovell ssay he dint come over to our place at all..den i was lyk,huh?i din noe wad to say.....

den,asked lovell again den he said e same ting..so,ya..den he was out wif bro at plaza sing watch rango..hmm.den fb fb fb..den he asked me y i so weird and stuffs.den i just said im tired..lyk really tired..hmm.i was really tired emotionally..i dint expect tat tears wud start rollin down!felt so paiseh!!=(den george saw..den asked me y..i just kept quiet..so she kept quiet too..yupps..hmm.i just tot,i was doin so much for nth...lyk..really nothin..yupps..i still love him as much as i do b4..but,i cant feel anythin from him..i dunno how to say..lyk,he went on wif e movies and i received nth from him and stuffs?den i tot,bout e same issue again.....e more i tot bout it,i cried even more...i dint noe y..but i felt really tired...yupps..tired of everythin...so i concentrated on my music instead..den okie le...hmm.den reach waterloo..den pretend nth happen.den joke wif george and all lo..den took tube to st pancras den take train back le lo..

took train back,came back to room put down tings den went to e mall walk walk..bought a pair of jeans for 6 pounds..same as george de..i wear same size as her sia!!!OMG!!!!hmm.den went walk in sports shop..george go buy her stuffs.yupps..den went to buy fish and chips and chicken come home eat..was fb-in lovell aft he finished his movie..hmm.he say i dowan him liao..yupps.hmm..its not..he said he learnt smth from e movie....den i told him,if he really learnt from e movie,he will regret wad his done and wud not be able to do amendments to it..when he realised it,its too late to make changes to it already..hmm.maybe at tat point of tym,i really felt tat..yupps...anw,ya..came home,eat den packed den went down for laundry....den fb lovell all e way..yupps..hmm now already 535,he still dowan to slp..feel so bad bout it..haix.den loaded ma la tian hou gong but reach laundry room dint work..so george stay dere..den i went back room to load..den while loadin,do my blog and fb lovell..