e one week he'd wanted passed already...many tings have happened..tings tat happened to bro,george..everythin..hmm.when i received e call from mom,i dint noe wad to do..i really needed someone dere for me..but,i noe lovell wudn be..i had no one to turn to..called george and i cudn reach her..hmm..just tat mornin,i felt lyk doin wad bro did..i just wanted everythin to end..i really wanted everythin to stop and i can no longer feel it no matter how it hurts my heart..tat aftnoon,mom called..i felt horrible..i dint noe who i cud turn to..tats when i realised,im alone..alone wif no one else...

wad happens to e 'hun,i needa slp le,its 2le..'hmm..next min,door bell rings,'sorrie hun,i call yew ltr,bye.'hmm.aft all,he'll say his sorrie,he wans me dere,he misses me and everythin..hmm.it feels lyk his sayin it just for sayin it...actually he doesnt hafta say all these to lyk make up to it.it just makes me feel lyk,'oh..i left her,i shud say tis,if not ltr she not happy..so beta say...'hmmm...

hmm..i dint wan to blog..but i feel terrible nt havin a place to throw everythin out..

everythins changed..hmm..toked to hun on e fone when he was havin his break..kinda gone when i toked to him..cant rmb wad we said..but i tink he dint realised tat i drank..anw,i dunno why i cried oso..but just did..he dint realised it too..but,tats fine..he went to work..den i slp at spore 230 lo..yupps.woke up when he call me..

felt terrible..headache and wanted to puke..nvm..hmm..den he went to buy knife.den took cab home.but e fone kup..tried callin him,he nv answer already..so,yupps.he called me when he reach home..hmm..den e usual routine..den his mom come home den he just kup me.came back he not dere liao..oh well,its okie.den he went pom pom and eat dinner.den i wait for him lo..hmm.i waited but,he nv call me back and stuffs.so,i knew he was gamin le..so dint wanna disturb him lo..den he called aft he saw e msg..den yea,i was rite..he was gamin..hmm.in tat case,ii just pretend wan slp lo..den he muted his mic..hmm..at tat moment,i felt my heart break once again..tears filled up my eyes..hmm..even aft so long,it still happens day aft day..well,i laid dere wif my eyes open,but him not noe-in it..soon,he went to bed..hmm.so i watched my ma la tian hou gong..but really dint have e mood to watch it at all..looked at him while he slpt..i feel hurt..i feel pain..nvm it..i went to slp..

woke up many tyms.he was still slpin at 19ish and his dere..his bro dint take e laptop..i felt happy..but,at e same tym,i felt fear..anytym his bro wil be back and he'll be gone..tried to accept it,and went back to bed tinkin i wont see him till tomolo..woke up sooo many tyms just to see if hes dere..yes he is..but i still feel tat fear..finally his awake and told me his bro is only comin back next week..happy i am..he woke up and started gamin..hmm..happy i am tat his awake,but...we never toked cos he was gamin..hmm..tis is how i use to tink of myself in his heart..

1.me, 2.me, 3.me, 4.me...now,hmm..1.bro, 2.frens, 3.games, 4.drama, 5.me...first bro,bro not dere,frens..when both not dere,his drama and games..hmm..tings have changed hasnt it?i no longer feel tat 'concern and e importance' of his anymore...it seems lyk im just an alternative now..perhaps tats wad he meant by its been too long since im away..everythin changes..for e pass few days,its been his game and his drama..although we're on skype,but  his gamin..he'll say im quiet and all.but when i tok to him,he cant really hear..he gets to engrossed in his game..hmm.maybe tokin when yewre gamin is e wrong tym..in tat case,i choose to slp..but not really slp.just pretend..ltr on,he'll be aslp..

i dont feel e importance of me in his heart anymore..more and more temper and everythin..wakin him up in e mornin cud tell so much.. its so much different from how it use to be..'can give me 5more mins ma?!', 'urgh!!!', 'tsk,and cover blanket over head'...tis mornin to be honest,if i was e one wakin him another tym instead of his mom,i wud have gotten tat instead of his mom..its just e wrong tymin when his mom called him once more..i cud feel it..hmm..i dunno...

hmm..hasn he wondered y i din go out to get groceries?hmm..i wud love to..but i cant..hmm.i cant wear my pants..my knee is infected already..it hurts..but,i dint tell him..i mean,i noe wad he'll say..e when his home,his gamin..and tats when i'll tell him..and his reaction wud be..'yew ar..i dunno wad to say..yew dunno how to takairre of urself..'and continue his game while sayin it..hmm..kinda makes me nt wan to tell him stuffs anymore..feels lyk im disturbin him wif stuffs tat i wanna say and he doesnt care..hmm..simply,tings have changed and will continue..

hmm.lovell called me when he reached home..den kinda felt weird..hmm..den ltr on,cant rmb how it links to e dress...den he make me wear it..

den wear liao,he say i cannot wear it out..yupps..but i really love e dress!!i feel tat its damn nice when i wear it!!hmm.lovell say too lou so cannot wear it out..den say i look hot when i wear it..i can see from his eyes tat he was shocked tat i wear until lyk tat..but,i oso can see he not happy i wear until lyk tat..hmm..but honestly,how to wear tat dress out?go party wear until lyk tat,is totally ownself find trouble de...but i tot e dress looks really good..

den we tok for awhile lo..den his leg pain..ask him see doc,he dont go see..i oso dunno wad to say..must be today dance too much and stuffs le ba..tats why ba...hopefully it gets beta b4 he starts work ba..shud be next week monday jiu startin work le ba..hope its gonna be a good environment for him den...hmm..i tink oso dint really tok much..toked bout his bdae present..he asked me where his bdae present is and stuffs den said he gave me so many tings for my bdae,yet he receives nth at all..hmm..sorrie..i just tot maybe yew'll prefer receivin face to face..but,oh well.nvm..den nth much le,he jiu orh orh liao..he orh orh i oso fell aslp le.yupps..skype kup cos he nv charge his fone..den i woke up at 2ish..felt hungry but cant be bothered to make tings to eat..so,dint eat..den watch my kang xi..den around 3ish lovell jiu wake up den call me again..den he fell back aslp aft awhile..den internet connection got prob so kup again..den i watched todays kangxi..its hei ren and fan wei qi..

hmm..first tym on tv together..hmm..its very gan dong..tears rolled down at a scene or 2..den it showed tomolos yu gao..its damn gan dong!fan fan was singin for hei ren..hmm..den fan fan felt tat everythin was boring and pointless in their 7th year...theyre together for 10years now...yupps.hmm..hei ren is not sweet enuff to fan fan...but theyre really very compatible as a couple!hopefully everythin wud go smoothly in future for em ba..10 years is a very long period of tym to be honest!!!especially when theyre yi ren and they face so much stress and everythin..

hmm..dunno y i will cry when i see it..maybe i just randomly tot of some stuffs and tat made me emotional and stuffs ba..hopefully everythin will yu guo tian qing ba..he told me to give him a week..aft hes bro book in everythin will be back to normal..will it?i dunno..im hopin it does..wad if it doesn?wad if deres no bro for weekdays,he go to work,den aft work hes got his frens and weekends hes got his bro?will tings be able to go back to b4?i dunno...
hmm..lovell said he'll wake me up ltr for sch at 1030..hmm..i said no need.but he say he just wanted to do smth sweet..but,i noe very well,at 1030,spore already 630,by den his bro is already back le..so,its fine..he'll forget bout it..den i mite feel beta when he doesn wake me up,cos im e one who said he dint have to,instead of me havin tis hope tat he wud,and he forgot or smth..i dint ask him to call me when he wakes up cos i noe by e tym he wakes up,hes bro wud be back soon..and i wont feel beta when i noe he hang up on me cos of his bro or when i wake up and he dint give me a call.although its happened many tyms,but it still hurts..

hmm.ke neng shi xin li shang de an wei,huo zhe shi yi jin jian jian de xi guan le ba..xi guan gui xi guan,dan,dang shi qing zai du de fa shen shi,xin li hai shi hui jue de tong tong de,ye ming bai le zi ji de fen liang he di wei qi shi ye bu guo shi ru chi..shui ran ming zhi dao shuo yi tao que zhuo yi tao,dan hai shi hui bao zhe qi dai de xin qin den dai..dao tou lai,shang de que shi zi ji..anw,hope tings wud get beta cos i really do need yew..

woke lovell up den he say he no needa go interview liao cos e sheraton hotel accepted him..yupps..so he went back to slp.den i oso went to slp..hmm.den george alarm awhile ltr den ring liao..so dint get to really slp..yupps..den she release e air from e bed damn fuckin noisy den,wash up and tok to her mom,den i fuckin dulan den nv slp lo..yupps..

den i woke up at 11 wash up and stuffs den went to e mall for food and buy georges last min stuffs...den we had BK for lunch..not so bad oso la..hmm.lovell went clubbin wif bro..anw,den went shoppin awhile,den went to tesco to get her cheese ting den came home le..den she bought a heels..den she cant put into luggage den ask me to pack for her lo..she dowan to listen to me lo..idiot!!i already say liao..den she oso dowan listen..in e end rush help her pack lo..den she was amazed how much i cud pack into e luggage lo!!!.......idiot..den in e end,needa rush for e bus lo!!!!idiot!den lucky lo,got dere,e bus was already movin.den george stopped e driver..den lucky sia!!!if not miss e bus!!!yupps.den she went up e bus lo...so i walked alone slowly back to home lo..

felt really lonely..although deres so many ppl around,but it felt really quiet..den took my tym to walk back to my room..stood outside e flat to smoke..smoked slowly..everythin felt really quiet..hmm..yupps.den went up to my really quiet and messy room..hmm.felt really empty in my heart..really quiet..hmm..dunno y..everythin just felt...i dunno wads e word to describe it..but,it dint feel good..hmm..although george is gone and im on my own again,but i kinda wan tis..i just wanna stay in my room and on my bed and do nth..2 weeks felt sooo long and tired..im really tired already...

hmm.anw,came back to room to pack e room and all den went to pom pom..toked to daddy mummy too..called george as well..everytins fine..she checked in and did her refund tax ting liao..den went walk around..yuppps.den i watch ma la tian hou gong lo..yupps.now waitin for george to board her flight den will call her awhile ltr..yupps..

okie..prepared go shoppin in e mall..den went to e mall at 230..den went to la dolce vita to have lunch..i had same normal food..carbonara..den george had e mushroom tingy..hmm..and had 2 cocktails.i dunno wad george ordered..one of it tasted so horrible..lyk medicine la!!den e other one is nice la..den e stupid george made me make me drink e horrible one den she drink e nice one.wadever..den today i treat lo..cos daddy say de..yupps.den got construction gng on in e pub..den,we quickly finish den went off liao lo..den went shoppin at e mall for george relatives lo..yupps

went to oxygen,and i bought a dress for 15pounds!!!its damn sexy de la!!!!blue de..damn fuckin nice lo!!!!!ya.den i bought it.yupps.dunno when den will wear until lo..yupps.den went went around walk walk wif george buy her stuffs.den went primark..she damn wad la!!!i chose 2 colours of e polo shirt i wanted..den george purposely went to go choose and den buy one for her dad aand ah gong!wth la!!den she ask me buy!den is lyk..i wear same shirt as ur dad and ah gong,wtf la?so dint buy..yupps.den she bought her stuffs den went to buy mac ice cream den came home...but by e tym i came home,lovell already fell aslp already..yupps.

reach home cook soup for dinner only and ate e left over fried chicken from ytd..den watched ma la tian hou gong while eating.yupps/den finish eatin george jiu do her packin and stufss.wah..i see how she pack,i really cannot tahan la.really not a smart traveller.yupps.but tell her liao.she die oso dowan listen.so wadever...den we watched ma la tian hou gong again den lovell suddenly woke up..den fb me..den fb for quiet some tym den he fell aslp again..yupps.den watch watched and watched..den help george check in and book coach ticket for tomolo..den continue watch..den lovell woke up again cos dad call ask him go down take tings..yupps.den watch watch watch.finally george fell aslp..yupps..

hmm.lovell fb-ed me bout e same issue again..hmm.i really dunno wad to say..i mean..he wans me to guan him..but,lyk ive told him..if i did,he'll hate me..he says he cant feel e love when i dont care bout wad he does..but,i do..but i keep it in my heart..if i did say it out,he'll be down again and promise tat he wont do it again..but,e next day or maybe afew days ltr,he'll do it again and e same ting wud happen over and over again..den wads e point?i mean he gets upsets when i says it..i get upsets when he doesn do wad he preach..so,i dunno..hmm.i dunno wad to do..lyk deres soo many different issues..maybe now cos lovells gt hes bro,den ive got george now..he asked me to give him another week den his bro will book in le..hmm.i dunno wad to say..i nv expect him to spend more tym on me even if hes bro books in in less den 2 weeks..so its fine even if he dint..lyk when i wake up,hes bro is already back..so he hafta pei bro..den when he is done wif his bro,im out wif george..den he goes to bed..den everyday,its lyk tat..he just dont have tym for me tis few days..i dont mind and i wont wan him to promise and swear..just tat i feel tat deres not really a point in doin tat..yupps..

hmm.woke up.but din feel lyk gng for lecture and workshop so continue to slp all w way till 12ish 1 den wake up..hmm..fb lovell on and offs when i wake up..yupps.hes havin another interview tomolo at orchard..hope everythin goes well..yupps.

hmm..i dunno y now im really scared or i dunno wads e rite word to describe e feelin i have towards his bro...hmm.i noe he meant well for lovell..wan him to play more and stuffs when he is young and all tat..wif him by lovells side,tellin him stuffs which are very big influences to lovell,mite just change tings just in a sec...i feel bad enuff leavin lovell alone in spore..den wif his bro sayin tis,i really dunno if im doin e rite ting anymore..i dunno if i shud be holdin on so tightly smth i cherish so much but am hurtin him so much in e end...i really aint wanna do tat to him..

hmm.okie.while waiting for laundry,fb lovell for quite abit..den he cannot take it liao jiu went to bed lo..yupps..felt really bad bout it..made him wait till 6 in e mornin den dint even get to tok to him at all..feel really horrible tat he dint slp just to wait for me..yupps.haix.

hmm..tings are not good..i dunno how to say..i seem to yi shen yi gui now..lyk everythin oso needa care..everythin oso dont believe even if he told me himself..but,i really aint wan him to feel lyk how he felt when he was wif yc..i dowan him to feel tat im so sticky and guan him in everyway..lyk..i dunno..tats y i nv say anythin and guan him in anyway.cos i noe he hates tat when ppl guan him..it'll irritate him big tym and e relationship wud only end up worst den it is now..

i aint wan him to feel irritated by me..i aint wanna be selfish..i aint him to feel lyk its a burden havin me as his gf..i aint wan him to feel irritated and raise his voice at me..i aint wan him to have 'shit,ive gotta tok/meet wif sandra!!!damn!!!'tis kinda feelin..i realised he wudnt tell me everythin and wud keep tings which hee tinks tat i shudn noe just lyk e day he went drinkin wif his clique and bro..if we werent tokin e next few days about it aft tat nite,i wudnt even noe bout it.i mean,it seems lyk im tellin him everythin..tings seems to have changed..i aint wan tings to turn out lyk tat..

hmm..its been lyk tis for almost 3weeks now i suppose?since b4 george came?roughly 2weeks-ish..haix..tis 2 weeks-ish ive tried to make tings go back to normal..tried to tok to him as if nth happened..im sure i did try..but,everytym,somethin new wud come up and make a mess outta it!but i kept tryin..im kinda emotionally tired..so tired till i cudn take it on e train.i really dint expect tears to roll down just lyk tat...tried and tried and tried..

havin tings gng on lyk tis for almost a month which is when his bro,doesnt hafta book in for a month..hmm.i suppose if hes bro dint hafta book in anymore in future,im afraid tings wud be worst den it is now.wif his bro next to him,tellin him tings lyk tat often,is enuff to change his tinkins,i really dunno..hmm.now it makes me feel as if hes feelins are already gone,everythin done now,are just for e word responsibility?i dunno..i dont see tings which wud happen months ago happenin now anymore..all of it seems soo far away from me...

hmm.wanted to wait for lovell to wake up and cal me..but i fell aslp..so dint get to tok to him bout wad muumy told alan..hmm.den i woke up,i saw miss call and fb msgs=)felt really good at tat tym.but oso felt scared..im scared i get e answer i aint wan when i ask him bout it..anw,he went to interview..everythin okie..hopefully he gets e place..yupps.den he called me and i asked him lo..hmm..not really e answer i aint wan..he said he did go over but dint clean up properly..yupps...trusted him lo..yupps

anw,woke up at around 645 cos alan needa go sch..den he go pom pom den me and george wake up help him prepare,pack everythin..yupps.den he went off liao='(dden me and george go pom pom den prepare to leave le lo..we were early..had our breakfast.and george pissed me off.she damn attitude ask me stop usin fone and come down eat..den say i keep fb lovell..den i pissed off say its my life,y she fuckin care..den walked off.den came back down to have breakfast wif her..den went back up pack..den was early so sit on bed for half hr and fb lovell..den we went off..waited for bus for ages!!!!!yupps.in bus nv tok at all...

den reach e bus staion den went walk around den take cab go salisbury station..den took train back..was fb-in lovell all e way..den daddy called den say lovell ssay he dint come over to our place at all..den i was lyk,huh?i din noe wad to say.....

den,asked lovell again den he said e same ting..so,ya..den he was out wif bro at plaza sing watch rango..hmm.den fb fb fb..den he asked me y i so weird and stuffs.den i just said im tired..lyk really tired..hmm.i was really tired emotionally..i dint expect tat tears wud start rollin down!felt so paiseh!!=(den george saw..den asked me y..i just kept quiet..so she kept quiet too..yupps..hmm.i just tot,i was doin so much for nth...lyk..really nothin..yupps..i still love him as much as i do b4..but,i cant feel anythin from him..i dunno how to say..lyk,he went on wif e movies and i received nth from him and stuffs?den i tot,bout e same issue again.....e more i tot bout it,i cried even more...i dint noe y..but i felt really tired...yupps..tired of everythin...so i concentrated on my music instead..den okie le...hmm.den reach waterloo..den pretend nth happen.den joke wif george and all lo..den took tube to st pancras den take train back le lo..

took train back,came back to room put down tings den went to e mall walk walk..bought a pair of jeans for 6 pounds..same as george de..i wear same size as her sia!!!OMG!!!!hmm.den went walk in sports shop..george go buy her stuffs.yupps..den went to buy fish and chips and chicken come home eat..was fb-in lovell aft he finished his movie..hmm.he say i dowan him liao..yupps.hmm..its not..he said he learnt smth from e movie....den i told him,if he really learnt from e movie,he will regret wad his done and wud not be able to do amendments to it..when he realised it,its too late to make changes to it already..hmm.maybe at tat point of tym,i really felt tat..yupps...anw,ya..came home,eat den packed den went down for laundry....den fb lovell all e way..yupps..hmm now already 535,he still dowan to slp..feel so bad bout it..haix.den loaded ma la tian hou gong but reach laundry room dint work..so george stay dere..den i went back room to load..den while loadin,do my blog and fb lovell..

woke up at 5 to prepare to go find alan.cudnt wake george up till 545..den rushed..cooked meatball and all..den rushed out..just in tym for train..reached st pancras earlier den expected.den took tube to waterloo den took e train to salibury..den took cab to bus station den waited 1hr for bus..den took almost 1hr ++++bus ride..den waited for tutor to pick us up..den went to alans sch walk walk around and had lunch dere..

went to look at cows..den george scared  e cows when she jumped!!...so stupid!!hmm.den tutor fetched us to his place..we went to tesco first..den bought alot of stuffs to cook for him..cooked for 2hrs ish when his tutor went bell ringin..den ate at 9ish when he came back..toked to lovell.he scare me..den,ya...i tot he really angry wif me..yupps.asked him to do smth,den he dowan..yupps..but toked to him den okie liao.yupps.

den eat until damn full..den kena bully by em..i wash e dishes='(den,came up...fb lovell.den he call me..den tok awhile he say he wan go slp le..den i oso fell aslp..dint wash my make up off.....hahah!!

hmm.woke up at 845 to wash off my make up and realised hun wasnt aslp when he said he was gng to...felt weird..but aft wash face,i went back to slp..hmm.woke up again at 10ish11 den go pom pom den eat breakfast..den suay suay needa wash again!!wtf!?urgh!!den came up prepare and all..george pissed me off..told lovell..den went to stonehenge..fb lovell quite abit b4 gng out..he said he went plaza sing den taka wif dad..den he said he went to my place feed didi meimei den went to teoheng..den,ya..den nv tok liao...until at stonehenge fb abit den no more..came back,he oso reach home liao.den he pei bro..den i wait for his reply..den when he was back in room,he checked his stuffs for tomolo..tomolo he got his interview ting..hmm.he say he back in room but he dint reply me..and,dint go to bed..den called me awhile ltr...den say  he gng to bed liao.so kup fone.den fb him.den he fb me for quite sometym!he dint slp..hmmmm....ya..2nites in a row makes me tink....ya..den nvm...went to prezzo to eat..george pissed me even more b4 gng out!!yupps.

went to prezzo damn no mood.dint wanna tok at all and stuffs..yupps.ate mushroom risotto,not nice..yupps.den eat finish come home..

hmm.fell aslp aft put down skype wif hun..went to bed feellin very scared and havin tis bad feelin in my heart..i feel lyk smths on my heart..it felt really heavy and it hurts=(everythin seems to have changed..changed so differently..very='(tot bout his drivin ting..he is gonna do bike..but,i cant say anythin cos i noe he dont lyk ppl to stop him from doin wad he wans..so,yupps..den,bout him being pissed and everythin..oh well..i dunno wad to feel at tis tym..yupps

hmm.woke up at 1130.george woke me up cos she put her blanket on my bed and stuffs as well as her findin out bout japan!!!earthquake and tsunami!OMG!!!anw,den she make garlic bread and tok to her mom..tried to slp.but,cant..yupps..den lovell was slpin when i first woke up..so i continue slp..den when finally woke up at 1230,george was still on skype wif her mom..yupps.den wake up,go shower and all..den george wanna go to st albans.so we went to get e train tickets for tomolo to alans den went to look for bus stop and went to st albans by bus..totally waste tym only..urgh!

had to tahan georges nonsense and my minds only on wads been happenin tis few days..urgh!!sat in bus really quietly..dint really feel lyk tokin.but george had to keep tokin and tokin!my mind was all on him..i just feel damn shag..i noe george cud tell..she been tellin me not to be so shag since i dunno how many days ago..den today she see me so shag in bus,at least she kept quiet..thanks george,and sorrie..hmm,got dere,she bought clothes.yupps.hmm.den fb lovell for abit b4 i left home.he help bro go meet leon cos bro got jasmine den busy..yupps.

hmm.den lovell dont understand y he needa help bro meet but he feels bad so he went..hmm.he complains bout not gettin y he bro wans him to tag along and everythin..but,lovell makes it as if he wans to go..lyk doesn matter..so,yupps.dunno is just to lemme hear or he really meant he was sayin..but,yea..fb awhile,he nv reply le.so took bus to st albans.shop around an hr.den all shops close..den jiu came back le.by e tym i was waitin for bus,lovell already home le.so he watch his korean ting.yups.

den came back,skype him awhile,den he say he hungry den he ate seaweed chicken den still hungry..den i dunno wad he ate liao..den awhile  more,my com hang..keep hangin..den he jiu fall aslp just lyk tat..lyk in a sec..so,dowan disturb him liao.den let him orh orh lo.den i go make pizza.den ya..did nth much..packed and eat and watched kangxi..den now,its 2ish le..i hafta wake up at 5 to get ready to go to alans!!OMG!!dunno if i wanna slp anot..cos i wanna tok to lovell='(

hmm.lovell called me when he woke up b4 10!!i was shocked!he was at e stairs already..smokin.i expect him to be still in bed...ya.den he pei me tok den go pom pom den go feed didi meimei.yupps.tried to keep to wad i promised in my previous post..and i tink i kept to it..hmm.den he went out..den,he hungry so he kinda raised his voice at me..yupps.oh well..den tried to keep to wad i promise..but i tink somehow it dint work!!lousy me!must work harder!!!

okie.den he feed didi meimei den went parkway eat..on e way dere he say he hide tings from me den told me bout tat girl..val fren or wad de..den say he nv tell me anythin cos he felt tat its pointless to tell me bout it..yupps..den he tell me got a girl lyk him den they xchange numbers and stuffs den they texted each other and all.yupps.anw,ya.he now den tell me bout it..i forgot why he will tell me..toked bout a topic den he say lo..yupps.so,ya..hmm..kinda felt stupid though..lyk i tell him everythin tats happened but i believe him to tell me everythin so much,but he doesn?...oh wel..nvm..its fine..yupps.

lovell went teoheng wif mom bro and jasmine..family day..how nice?..anw,went to sch den realised uni fir alarm went off!!so me,gemma and simona stood outside smoke lo..yupps.den everyone were standin dere lyk retards!cant imagine we had to queue to get into uni la!....hmm.den went in com room den started on our wiki ting den went to library borrow books den went for e fuckin lecture..was playin wif my cookie dozer all e way.hehe=)den break tym,me,gemma and simona just left lo..anw oso took attendance liao.den damn sian so decided to leave lo.yupps.

came home,den fb lovell for a while,den he disappeared..den i went to pom pom lo..den come out jiu make garlic bread..den lovell jiu done highin wif bro..den skype me..at  first okie okie..den he say i got wai yu,den i sian liao..anw,dint really tok at all.he say he dunno wad to say..say he got nth to say..so,yupps.den do e normal stuffs again..lyk its been relyin on tat lo..but,oh well..doesnt matter..hmm.den ate my garlic bread..toked bout george.as in e bit where george lied to zul bout e drinkin until drunk until cant rmb how we gt home and her bra was inside out..den lovell dared me to..so,ya..den i say he dare me to find other ppl to fuck me..den he was lyk nonono..but,ya..den i not dare him to go fuck other girls lo..yups.den say say say lyk bcome serious liao.he lyk raise voice le,so dont play le lo..

den he oso go play cookie dozer wif me..den ltr he angry liao cos i say i go find other ppl to fuck me cos he got me started..den he angry den went to slp..den yupps.den i continue my cookie dozer..den fell aslp for abit..den george came back..den cooked e left over soup for dinner.nv eat rice..ate soup and fish finger..den toked to alan..den watched kang xi..den i sit on e floor until my ass fuckin pain liao lo='(haix..

den george slp,now i gt nth to do again..so maybe will be playin cookie dozer all e way i suppose..sian..den tomolo dunno go where again..

hmm..will tings start changin?lovells bro been askin lovell bout our r/s..hmm.maybe lovell shud really start tinkin bout it..is it worth spendin so much tym on me when we dont noe e future?i feel bad..i aint wan him to be tis lonely and all..if he had another girl who is in spore,he wont be..he will be happily spendin his tym wif her..hmm..i dunno..tings doesn seem to get better..im scared..real scared..i haven been tokin to him for e past week..its been a week now..will i still be able to tok to him again lyk how we use to?tinkin back bout tat day,i was shocked tat was e kinda guy i noe..hmm..maybe it wasn him who changed but me who is bein ridiculous..i mean,i dunno..yupps..

i just feel lyk hidin in my room and doin nth now..just tinkin back all e tings we've been thru..from we gettin together,to tyms where he make me smile,to tyms where i break down for him,to tyms where i just stay awake for days just to tok to him,to tyms where i just did everythin for him,for tyms where i wan nth but him..everythin..tings tat hes told me,and i felt my heart break,everythin..i makes me tink tat,why has tings changed so much?wad have i done or not done?how shud i get tings back to where it was?shud i keep everythin inside and pretend nth happened so tat he'll be happy again?shud i just do tat?i tink i shud..i really aint wan anythin to change..

hmm.woke up at 9ish cos george wake up..lovell woke up at 3ish in spore..lucky i dint wait for himm.yupps.hmm.he went to feed didi mei mei..den hafta go home again cos bro and mom dunno..den go home den went teoheng again..yupps.feel so bad..make him so marfan...needa run here and run dere..haixnext tym dowan lyk tat le..

den,his bro brought jasmine go teoheng sing den wan lovell follow..den their mom oso follow lo..they went to eat laksa first.den i woke up at 11.george ready to go out liao.yupps.den,i still lai chuang..really cant be bothered to go to e fuckin class!!urgh!!hate it!!i suppose i mite just go for attendance den go off liao ba.yupps.

hmm.haven been tokin to lovell much for e past week..feels lyk everythins no longer e same already.. hmm.i noe wad he meant by it feels lyk i no longer wanna tok to him..hmm.but,if he doesnt tok to me,i cant keep wan tok to him,feels lyk im annoyin him or disturbin his life..he haven really told me wad he felt and everythin aft i said those selfish stupid stuffs..so,yupps..i hate tis..hmm..everythings changed i suppose..oh well,ive just got to stay on track and see wad follows next..yupps..

woke up really late today..230..yupps.was shocked but was so tired..but really cant dont wake up cos needa go tesco buy food to make dinner for tonite cos so late den wake up den cant be bothered to go all e way to london ma..yups.

hmm..hun dunno today go where wif his clique..den apparently he went home den went out wif bro to geylang to eat..den went to fish hse.den he saw shootin stars.yupps..hmm.tats bout all tat i noe of..den pom pom finish,we went to e mall to get groceries.den went river island see if still got sale anot.but no more.so no more tat top of mine=(brought grocery den came home..hmm.lovell was on his way home when i was home..den he told me smth interestin..bout jasmine and bro..so yupps..wow..den,toked to mummy and daddy aft got home,den packed and started cookin.

lovell reach home when i was cookin.so dint get to tok to him again today..yupps.oh well..hmm..den he fell aslp..so,dint tok=(yupps.den cooked soup and rice..too much soup..den,eat,den tok to alan.den,packed..den awhile zul called.den george tok to zul,i play cookie dozer..den watched e japanese game show ting den lovell called.den my com hang den hafta kup him='(haix..ya..den planned wif george where she gng tomolo..den now im alone doin nth cos george slp liao..

hmm.went to st pancras,den george text me when i got on train tat she found e museum so she will e late..wtf???okie.reach oxford circus,den stood outside station wait for her..fb hun for abit den he nv reply liao.so played cookie doozer..den george came,den went shoppin..saw lots of nice clothes!!i really love e one i tried t river island!!OMG!!but too big='(haix..damn sad='(went to e other one oso dont have='(haix...

den kept refreshin my fone until kena geroge scold.i dint noe hun fell aslp liao.dint see e msg yew wrote bout him bein very tired..yups.hah!=)so keep refreshin and stuffs.by e tym i saw,it was dunno wad tym liao..hmm..den kept refreshin tinkin he'll wake up..but nv..hmm..just feels weird yew noe..he slp so early..yupps.den slp all e way till around 1ish 2 den wake up i tink..cant rmb..i noe wad i was tinkin at tat tym..yupps..

den went shoppin,den went eat at some burger place..had very salty hot dog..den milk shake.damn fuckin full la!!!....den came home,reach home around 9..den dilly dally abit..den guess wad?!!?!my flat mate lyk wan commit suicide lyk tat.lucky her other fb me..ask me dont let her go outta flat..next ting i noe was,she went out!!so,i got dresses,and chiong down follow her!!yupps.she saw me..den george stayed in to ask her fren to come over..den yupps..hmm.its pretty scary.i mean,even if we dont her out,she stay in her room,nobody noes if anythin happens in her room too..oh well.den both of em came back to her room together..den flat mate cried and stuffs..so,yupps.

den me and george juat keep quiet..den george say she hungry..so ate maggie..den hun wake up liao..i was so excited la!!lyk finally can tok to him..den show him my makeup=)den showed alan my maake up too..okie.den tok awhile,lovell lyk dowan tok to me lyk tat..den,okie lo..i keep quiet..den when everythin done,george in bed,me in bed,den i realised is not he mute me de..is i muted my own speakers..i dint even noe tat la!!!..den,oso dint get to tok much den he go feed didi meimei liao..den tok on e fone.den james called den he meetin em ltr..

den..he told me smth,den yupps.hmm..i dunno y but yea..heart was pierced for afew secs..yupps.hmm.den dunno wad to say liao.den he say i lyk dowan tok to him and not interested lyk tat..hmm..how can i be not interested?i was so hopin to tok to yew den lyk everythin was not gng as hoped..den,when james called,den miss call,i ask him call back,den he say dowan..den i say just call.den he say he wanna change..hmm..den i say i dowan cos i said those tings to him ytd so he is doin tis.den he got pissed.yupps.hmm.den i dunno wad to say liao..but nvm,aft awhile he oso called back..yupps.den he clean toilet and feed dog jiu go off liao.nv go down.den walked to duno where meet james and audrey.james cut hair..den,reach dere he jiu kup le lo..yupps.

hmm.im fine im fine im fine!!xi guan jiu hao!!

hmm.dont exactly noe how im feelin now..yupps..hmm..deres too much a distance between bein excited and troubled..e jump is too big..dots..stupid..hmm..im confused,proper confused till i dunno anymore..i dint mean anythin.i really dint..hmm.im really not askin anythin..not at all..

went to bed and woke up late today..woke up at 930..den chiong go school.lovell wasnt confirm if i start sch at 10 so nv wake me up.yupps.hmm..went sch...workshop damn sian.so left half way..den went mall wif gemma den eat greggs..sausage roll..cant finish.den waited for george..wait wait wait..she 1145 den come sia!!45mins late!!!!....

went for lecture..den download games.tok to lovell for abit..den started tinkin bout some stuffs..tink tink tink,den next ting i noe lecture end liao..ended lecture,george text me say she just reach arsenal..den,i come back slack abit den gng to oxford street to meet her..yupps.den lovell is watchin band slam wif his bro now..so i suppose..yupps..anw,slack awhile more,den i jiu needa go take train to st pancras liao..yupps...so,another day of walkin around aimlessly..sian....

hun noes bout it liao..told him bout e bro and frens bit..left e rest of em out..hmm.i feel really bad for sayin those to him..really am..im sorrie..since ive told him bout e bro bit,ive decided to keep e rest to myself..if he noes too much,im sure he cant take it..

i aint wan him to change.i wan him to be how he is lyk now..ive told him these is not to make him feel bad or make him change for me..ive been gng thru tis very strongly for e past couple of months..yes i noe i told yew its only when im back here,i feel lyk tat..but,really?small tings add up to 1 issue..dere are many small tings which yew mite have dont unknowinly sometyms..but,its fine hun,im strong enuff.

hmm.now i noe why hun asked me to listen to 'what are words'.i listened to it cos i was so bored den i rmbed lovell asked me to listen to tat song..so went to his fb page and listened to it..hmm.i dunno how say..a short and simple song,but it managed to actually point out really important bits in 'love'.when i listened to e lyrics word for word,i had tis feelin in my heart..lyk..i noe how it feels.i mean...lyk...i feel e pain of it..lyk..i dunno how say..lyk,it makes me tink bout ... and tis song is lyk singin somethin tat is positive,whereas i noe how it feels when its e opposite.tats why it makes me emotional when i listened to e lyrics..hmm.i dunno why tings have turned out lyk tat..but,yupps..i just hafta bare wif it,cos its too important to me.its my life..and i really cannot afford to lose everythin..i need him..

hmm.i listened to it again and again.den tears started rollin down..imagine,words dont mean a ting when said and words are said only for good tyms den its on..den wads e point of sayin it?if yew dont mean it,dont say it so ppl wont get hurt..and,words are not just for specific tyms..hmm.i have soo much feel for tis song..it just makes me drop tears..another song to add onto my list to listen to when im down..yupps..

deres another scene,where lin da lang appeared on bao zhus bdae for e first tym in 3 yrs..tat was so touchin..tears fell again..hmm.wonder if its actually e drama effect or izzit cos i really do wanna cry..hmm..wadever..oh well..yupps.

hmm.lovells fallen aslp liao..den connection prob den kup le.it kup lyk less den 5mins aft he fell aslp

so,yupps.hmm..dint get to tok to him today..yupps.nvm.so,i watch my drama..yupps.hmm.tink tis week wont get to tok to lovell le ba..today nv too although i was in for e whole day alone wifout george..tomolo oso wont,i got class,den aft class gng out wif george,so wont tok get to tok too,cos he at nite sure high wif bro,den go to bed..wed too,i gng to london wif george,den when we come home,he high wif bro,den he orh orh too,so,doubt will tok.thurs,i got lesson too..den go out wif george..den he oso will be doin e same ting wif bro..fri,sat and sun he sure got his own plans wif bro for sure..so,doubt will tok le ba..tink wont tok to him till george go back le ba..yupps.hmm..

watchin hai pai dian xin..e scene where bao zhu met e crazy taxi driver and got into an accident..den xue hai was so agitated tinin tat bao zhu is dead..when xue hai found bao zhu,xue hai was so worried..hmm.for tat bit,i dunno why,but i felt very emotional..tears fell..and,i couldn stop..

hmm..it was somethin lyk,e button somewhere in me was hit and i cudnt control any longer..lyk,wad ppl say,e rubber band was being stretched to e max and cud no longer withstand anymore and it just snaps..oh well,it did..must be cos george was here and i had to hide all my emotions and cover em wif laughters and smiles..hmm.its pretty tiring to be honest..ha..

went to bed not even rmberin how i went to bed..yupps.woke up at almost 12..yupps.george woke up at 9ish..den,she preapare go out and stuffs.so yupps.i continue slp..till mummy called at 11ish den tok to george den i woke up.

hmm.lucky george went out alone..hmm.i really wan to be alone for a day,or maybe a couple of hrs..ive got sooo much in my head..havin george around is fun,but,its just terrible when i hafta hide all my emotions behind e fake laughter and all.yupps.so,today for e net couple of hrs,ive got tym to myself to tink bout everythin tats happened..

lovell sent me a long fb msg..hmm.i trust him alot alot..so,yupps.but tats fine..yupps..i dunno wad to say oso..okie.woke up den toked to lovell on e fone..den he keep askin me e main point..yea..hmm.i dunno.yupps..den toked to him,den he say i not interested and distracted when i tok to him..den ask me go tok to george instead.but,i wasnt even tokin to george at all.yupps.den,he say his bro call him go smoke le..den okie lo.since his bro call him liao.den,okie lo.listen to wad he say lo..so i said okie lo,i go tok to george lo.yupps.den bye bye le..den george prepare go out,den i sit on bed day dream..yupps.

ive realised severals points just 2hrs into 7mar2011..

-i was actually worried bout it.can yew believe it?i was actually worried.i mean,i aint noe wad to say..but,yea..ive nv expected smth lyk tat to occur at all..

-i noe i cant change it,so ive just gotta learn how to accept,let go and view tings from different perspective..

-i can no longer differentiate e truths from e lies,e real from e fake..
-tings will nv seem as simple as they are..

-somethings will nv last,when its gone,its gone..

-tym changes everythin..

hmm..new lessons learnt?i'd keep em in my mind from now on..i will..

took train to st pancras..hmm.tot of tis brilliant idea..i log into george fb,den hun log into mine so we can chat..and so we did..he went out dinner wif dad..yupps.den nv go feed didi and meimei.yupps.told him to pass e keys to jenson so ask jenson look aft instead.hmm.he lyk busy oso..so,tot dint wanna bother him liao..but he dowan..yupps.anw,went out,den went to e markets..den kinda sian oso cos nth to walk de..but george very into it..so yupps.

den,travel here travel dere..den george hungry so she ate bk..den quickly eat jiu go catch train..but we missed our train..so waited for e next..lucky have one 15mins ltr..so stupid..den took train home.hmm.lovell went teoheng wif val they all again..hmm.nice.den count didi meimei lucky ba..cos lovells bro need go home do tings..so,lovell can go dere alone first den feed e dog liao den meet him at katong.but,if lovell bro went wif him leh?...i tink today didi meimei jiu no need eat le..oh well.yupps.he cannot let bro noe he helpin me look aft dogs..cannot let mom noe too.yupps.so,ya..

okie.he finish sing jiu go home liao.so early..surprisin rite?hmm.but oso got reason for not stayin out late.so yupps..anw,on train fone no batt.den rush home tok to lovell.he eatin.see him eatin jiu noe wad i tot was rite le.yupps.ya..and it was a bad one.yupps.so,ya..and its cos of ....ya...den tok to him abit den george die oso wanna go out walk.so went.bought mac come home eat..came home den tok to lovell.den he awhile jiu slp liao..so,went to make hot food.eat,slack..yuppps

den awhile ltr,lovell woke up..he slpt on 2hrs ish..den he say he auto wake up de..yupps.den he make his fb and listen music.den dint get to really tok to him oso.yupps.den he make me tell him e main points..but,i really dunno how to say?how can i actually shuo chu kou?....yupps.

while tokin to lovell,george play games on my ipod..so,i no needa entertain her..yupps.she awhile jiu slp liao..yupps.den tok to lovell abit den he down down..den,yupps.den he jiu hungry and down.so decided to go find didi meimei den go have some food..yupps.

hmm.i dunno if i shud say anot.if i say,i feel fuckin bad.i noe i shudn feel tis way bout it.but,i dunno why..yupps..i shudn doubt yew bout anythin..yupps.i wan tings to be lyk tat..just keep it as it is..i will try to get use to it and make sure everythin is fine even if it happens..yupps..

hmm.woke up at 8smth wif george hittin my leg again.damn her!!damn pissed off!i hate ppl doin tat..i mean wan call can,dont hit..im aslp..fuckin scare me.cb..ya.den woke up,kinda pissed.den head oso pain.haix.recently head pain so often.haix.

anw,she ask me plan e journey for today..hmm.we're gng to e markets.i mean,we're spendin quite a bit on transport just to go to e market..so i tot its kinda pointless.but she wanna go..so...yupps...haix..pig pig still slpin..didi and mei mei must be waitin in hunger..oh well,he slpt at 10ish tis mornin..

hmm..tinkin back bout tis mornin..he wanted me to say everythin clear to him..i really had e urge of tellin him e main prob.but,nopes,sandra chang,dont be a retard!yupps.but,thanks hun for givin me a chance to say out how i feel?...hmm.maybe if it happens again,i mite or still mite not tell yew anythin..yupps.i noe tat if it happens again,i'll still keep my mouth shut..yupps.haix..

i received a really long msg from hun on skype..when i saw so many words,i noe wad kinda msg it is..but i felt happy cos he sent me such a long msg..but,at e same tym,i noe wad he will be sayin..hmm.read it thru and got me a little emotional..lucky george was aslp already..

i read and really wanted to tell him how i felt..cos he got it all wrong..lyk totally wrong..and he is wantin to change for tings which ive nv minded..hmm.but i noe i cannot,shud not and must not tell him..i'd be a selfish bitch if i did..oh well,he called me over e fone cos i dint reply him..den we started tokin tings out.he say he wont go out play will stay home..but tats not a problem in e first place..den he say he wont go high in anyway..but,tats not e problem too..but he keep arguin sayin tat it is..he says when he is out,im down.hmm.of course im down..cos ive got nth to do.im fine wif yew gng out..down cos yew wont send me msges on fb lyk i do when im out..but these reasons are nt 'it'..is is just tat smth hafta happen b4 everythin...so,yupps.i very very much wanna tell yew..but i noe yew'll change back to e normal fat a couple of days ago just lyk was he says all e tym...

i made examples to make him understand and noe how i felt at tat point of tym when tat was happenin..lyk,imagine him stayin at home waiting for me everyday den i go out wif frens.but nv sends him msges bout wad i am doin..den,when im back,im all down and starts sayin im a fucked gf,i feel so bad,i must pei yew and all those,how will he feel..will he feel as if im happier when im wif my fren and when wif him,i got nth to tok about..he replies he will tat way too..so,tats wad i meant..im fine wif him gng out play whole day liao,come home den pei me tok tok bout today,den he tired jiu slp le..tat way,im very happy le..

we tried tokin bout it..but i still kept wad i really tot.i dont mind if tings turn out as it is now..i aint wana give up on yew.. hmm.i feel bad enuff already.

ate e left overs and still had some left overs..den eat finish jiu wash up,den jiu watchin japan game show wif george..

hmm.lovell went to meet james and val they all..apparently they went to e ytd tat thai girl pub dere again ba..so,yupps..den nvm le lo..he go meet em so he came home at around 5ish.den high wif bro..so,i noe we wont get to tok liao,so texted for awhile instead..den called him..den he lyk...hmm.ya.told him i was drinkin..but i wasnt..i wanted to joke wif him so we gt ting to tok about..but he was damn serious and i noe he not happy le.den lyk dowan tok to me le..so..yupps.hmm..oh well..2 days lyk tat liao..tink tings will get worst in e next couple of days..so,yupps..i din expect him to be lyk tat..i just tot tat maybe lyk tat,me and him can happy happy tok for today when i tell him im actually jokin bout it.but,its not wad i expected..so,haix.

hmm.toked to lovell aft he woke up..hmm..managed to slp for afew hrs today?to be honest,i cant rmb..i cant even rmb if i toked to lovell first den slp or slp wake up den toked to him..but oh well...hmm..he says tat ive got tings in my heart tat i haven say..den wan me say..but,will?okie..den drag drag drag..around 11 den george and i woke up..

used com,den toked to lovell when he go my place feed dog..hmm.i realised someting today..and was kinda..i dunno how to say..but i can definitely feel e difference already..yupps.tis is for e first tym i felt it really strongly bout it..i was confused..really confused..but,oh well..its fine..anw..den he go home den went out wif bro watch movie..den me and george went to e mall instead of london..cos we were abit late..yupps..lovell went to 85 eat wif bro and jasmine.den apparently ate alot and he is a ball..so..yupps..bought alot alot of stuffs today!!!dammit!!!

i suddenly realised no matter how good tings used to be in e start,over tym,it changes..i just hafta get over it and continue wif wad it is lyk now..but,sometyms,its really depressing to realised tat its changed over tym,or rather,disappointed in oneself when it does..life is so weird..lyk yew nv get to see wad yew shud see and wud nv listen to ppls advices from e start..but as tym passes,yew realised 'oh yea..ive been told tis b4,but chose to ignore it..'
at first everything seems fine,but as tym goes by,yew realised it change..but still decided yewre gonna keep onto it no matter how torturin it is for yew..as tym continues gng on,tings get alittle unexpected..tats when yew'll tink to urself..wads gng on?wad shud i have done or not done so tat tings wudn have turned out lyk tat..and tats when yew start blamin urself about everythin tats happened..yew wanna cherish it very much...but....

hmm.deres only 2 choices outta tis..first,simply just give up wad yew wan which yewve been workin for so hard.second,continue doin wad yewre doin,nv give up..yewve just gotta be stronger and tougher..im sure deres ppl out dere who wud choose e first one while some wud have tots of e doin e first but decided to stick to e second..but im sure to those who chose first,wud have been workin so hard for smth to happen which nv did b4 decidin theyre just gonna give up..

seriously,why does tings change over tym?why cant it be how it was lyk b4?or maybe tat just happens in fairytales and not e realistic world..yewve just gotta to learn to let go even if yew do not wan to when yew can no longer take it in ur heart anymore..

i fell aslp at around spore 930am..den was suppose to wake lovell up..but,ya..was lyk half slp half try to keep my eyes open..by e tym i really opened my eyes was spore 10ish liao..den lovell woke up..den lai chuang until almost 11 den called dad tell him he gng over.so we kup fone lo.he went pom pom den went take cab liao..den i wait for him lo.den he called me..den tok to him while he was in cab=)

den he reach my hse,we nv kup,he just put me in his bag..didi mei mei bark damn loud la!!i almost went deaf!anw,lovell played wif em,den toked to dad and mom,den fed em i tink,den asked mummy bout e nose ting.but mummy cant find e name card..she gave him a wrong one instead..e one which needa kai dao de..yupps.den mummy ask him search online..so i doubt lovell will do it.yupps.den mummy daddy rush rush abit den left hse liao..den lovell brought dog down..den daddy mummy came awhile ltr..no cab..den lyk waited 10mins den got onto cab..den lovell go up put dogs jiu went parkway eat..toked to him all e way=)he ate mian fen guo..den eat and tok den he jiu go home liao.in bus,he say he wanna shit..so use game to distract himself..okie..den we oso tok tok tok.toked bout e stody kinda porn..he say maybe maybe not..den,finally reach his bus stop,rain..den he walk fast cos he wanna poo..den b4 e lift door close,he shouted i wanna shit!den got ppl outside e lift..haha!!den reach home he jiu rest toilet shit..na li zhi dao his belt stuck..suay..ahah!den he poo tat tym we oso tok..den he pom pom..den go back room.den we tok and tok and tok..i was curios if readin a passage works anot.den lovell tell me anime..den i was lyk,huh?den he gave me a website..den ask me go see.i went den show..den i was lyk,okie.....den toked bout our relationship..den ya..say bout promises and stuffs..den ya..den jiu sian sian liao..haix..den ya..den he naughty liao den jiu slp le..by den,her was already 730 le.so i tot can slp until 10 den wake up..and guess wad?just as im about to slp,george woke up..den ya..but she lemme slp when she shower and use com..but i cant fal aslp cos she typin..den she go pom pom,she make e water pipe sound just as i fell aslp..oh well..den she came back,den she say she go cook.so i continue slp..slp until 1030 den woke up when george mom called.she tok to her den i go pom pom..lovell was still orh orh-in..

shower damn noisily cos someone was showerin in e noisy one..den pom pom finish and prepare  half way,lovell called and tok to him for awhile,he fell back aslp..so,yupps...prepare everythin den went out at 1230..got on e 1ish train..reach west minster church,den lovell fb me he out wif bro.yuups.den ya.den say he gng out drink wif val and e rest..den i was abit sian..val?i dunno..but wad to do..den when he told me he was home,wifout tellin me he is gng back out again,for tat moment,i was really happy..i was..but ya..den he say he met em liao.den tell me got thai girls dancin..den say he wont anyhow.den i say he can cos we toked bout it b4..den he say dowan cos needa pay em for it..hmm..oh well..yupps..den dint tok to him for e whole day aftwards..

hmm,i felt lyk i was walkin without my soul....hrs of walkin wifout stoppin..brought george site see..den i was tinkin bout him every single sec..dint have any mood at all.yupps.but,ya..

went on to chinatown,ate for e first tym in e day..and dint expect to eat only 2 mouths of rice and cudnt swallow any ting else down.i wanted to puke everythin out..so dint eat and da bao..yupps..den walk around abit jiu take train come back..today kept checkin my fone lyk retard for..hmm..i dunno??got on e last train den lovell finally sent me a msg say he was busy dancin and drinkin...yupps.den say he is on his way home..hmm..yupps.i dint noe wad to say so asked him to go slp aft pom pom..

got home,realised his fb was no longer valid..so cudnt get him..called him he dint answer..so,i supposed he slpt..den i receive a text from him sayin he is gng to bed already..den i called him on skype but no answer.but he called me back shortly..hmm..dunno why.but he seems angry wif me..i dunno why..yupps.so we dint tok at all den he slpt le.i sat on my bed tinkin..wad have i done?i dunno..george dint tok to me too cos i was all down..i kust sat quietly on e bed..i dunno wad for..but,yupps.i feel really terrible inside lyk..i dunno..i just dont anymore..i noe nth now..

toked to lovell lyk finally..he sounded really terrible=(he must be feelin really uncomfortable..make my heart really pain to hear him lyk tat..haix..den he still puke...haix..hmm.toked to him,den went out to pick george!i found e place=)but cant find her..den yuan lai she was bhind me la..idiot!den stand dere smoke awhile den go to e mall wif luggage den come back home unpack abit den went to tesco to buy groceries..aft i kup fone wif lovell when i found george,he slpt..

hmm.den me and george went to mall walk walk den went tesco buy groceries..bought quite abit of food..yupps..bought pork,beef,veg,mushroom,egg,juice and pasta..buy liao jiu come home to cook lo..cook rice,veg wif beef,mushrooms and pork.pork was so hard and salty..haha!=)while cookin lovell woke up=)den tok to him on e fone for awhile den start cookin..den he sounded soo much beta den in e aftnoon!im really relieved=)hmm..den he oso hungry so cooked yi mian which was not nice apparently..so he threw em away!waste food!!!

den we finally start eatin liao..sat on e floor..den skyped lovell.so 3 of us sat on e floor together=)den eat and chat lo=)and lovell dont have his reward liao cos he fell aslp..i dont care!!hahhaha!=)den mummy called.dint mention anythin bout e checkup..yupps.lovell say he wanna go find em tomolo cos they gng hk..but i doubt he can even wake up lo.haha!=)eat finish liao,jiu went smoke,den lovell was not happy..hmm.had carling..den he oso not happy..sorrie hun..hmm.anw,den we washed up,den george went to pom pom.george go pom pom only,lovell naughty liao..haha!=)but today considered guai le=)den we sat down and tok bout wad happened today..yupps..hmm..i really dunno wad to say..i wont stop yew cos i noe i wan to too.but when i wan to tat tym,i oso dont lyk ppl to stop me..so i wont stop yew hun..as long as yewre safe=)

den tok tok tok.den george jiu come in liao.den jiu stopped tokin bout it..den started seein where we shud go tomolo..so,we've decided we're gng to london for sight seein=)yupps.den i do research,george fell aslp.den i feel bad to wake her up..so,let her slp.but she really fell deep into slp so no choice,i help her make her bed den woke her up den ask her go slp..she did and i have my bed back=)hehe=)den now waitin for 10oclock to reach,den decide if i wanna wake lovell lim up..i will cos i promised.but if i wake him and he nv wake up,den too bad...i did wad i promised=)

hmm.lovell bro came home liao..So kup lo.so he can pei him..den i jiu sit on bed fa dai lo..yupps.den,he skyped me when he was in toilet pom pom..den,tok to him awhile,he went back room..den he was pissed wif mom.cos she niam him..i tink his mom too worried bout him not workin le ba..tats why..hmm.den tok to him awhile in his room,he send his resume,den his bro ask for him liao..so kup lo..yupps.den dunno he ltr gng out anot oso..so,doubt will tok to him liao ba..yupps..anw,now waitin for george..cannt get thru e fone yet..apparently her flight not landed yet..so yupps.den tellin her mom bout it.yupps.

lovell came home really early today!!!he came home at around 12ish!!can yew believe it?!?!?!=)hmm.he say i look sad sad..hmm..maybe cos tired den reaction kinda slow today..so dint slp..only slpt for hrs den george called me for lyk 2 mins to tell me she ltr b4 leave hse will call me!den i was lyk wtf la!!den kup liao den i cant fall back aslp liao..den dunno wad to do oso..jiu look at fb..lovell nv fb me..den finally he did,he say he'll tell me smth.and i noe its not gonna be good..hmm.oh well..just lyk i expected...

okie.den i sian sian awhile..den finally started tokin liao..got e kinda shocked news..den tok abit..den someone naughty,den we tok tok tok tok tok.argues bout e bit where i ask him go find other girls pei him..but he dowan..den tok tok tok tok bout it too.den toked bout yc..den we toked bout how he ask me be his gf,den toked bout 19april,and e day he gave me e ring..den we toked for damn long!!!lyk damn long!!!!!!!!toked until he go wake his bro up lo!!!!!!7am leh!!!!den i feel so bad make him stay up pei me..he go wake bro up den pei bro smoke so kup me for awhile..den i went to vacumm floor and wash laundry..awhile he jiu call me liao..den i make him slp lo..den i go pom pom.tat stupid fella pretend snore lo!!!i noe him well enuff to noe tat he was pretendin!!haha!=)but i still went to pom pom.come back i was tinkin lovel sure nv slp de lo!!!and,true enuff!!!he really nv slp!!!haha!=)thanks hun!!!!!=)

dry liao hair,den tok to lovell.he play monopoly.den i can see he damn tired liao.den forcin himself to stay awake lo!sorrie hun..den he say he wanna slp e same tym as me..den i say he cannot..den he make me say smth tat i'll give him..den he'll stay awake just for it..i said sooo many..den he all dowan....but eventually,he came up wif one liao..so,,yupps.a difficult one!!needa do research liao!haha!=)but im sure i can do it=)hehehe=)

den say finish den he fell aslp in lyk 10secs?haha!=)see he so tired!still wan force himself stay awake!finally he can orh orh liao..he must be real tired..haix..thanks hun..aft he slp,skype hang again!=(so i cant see him again liao=(haix..den,i jiu go cook maggie eat lo..today haven had anythin except 4 of e almond cookies..just finished eatin maggie..den gonna start on my research now=)hehe!

i was kinda down tis mornin..i meant..i started tinkin bout tings really horrible which shud never ever cross my mind at all!well,wanted find ppl pei me tok..but i really dunno who i can tok to lo..so,watched drama awhile den lovell jiu call liao..den when he told me e news he wanted to tell me,i was lyk,'okie....'i dint noe wad to say at tat tym..all i noe was,i wanna do wad he did too!!!i meant lyk really really wanna do it too!!hmm.i dunno why,but i just wan to..aft tat bit,we toked bout e findin of another girl for him,den i got back my normal reaction!den started debate.hmm.i really dont mind if he finds another girl everyday to pei him..when i say pei means..yupps..i dont mind..really..maybe deres smth dere in my heart..but i will get use to it.and i wanna get use to it..den toked to him about how to 'fish'..haha!=)so,he hafta do it liao..and e next tym round,he needa 'pop' e 'fish' and 'poke' her=)i tink only lovell understand i tat is ba=)ahah!den we toked bout hot and innocent girls.lovell actually say dont care,just 'poke' her lo!haha!=)

den we toked bout e 19th april and e day he gave me e ring,we toked for damn long..and really toked bout it..hmm.i today den noe lovell dint noe it was my first tym lo!!den toked bout tat day e feelins and everythin!hmm.i dint regret and will not..i love him.i really do..hmm..today im really happy.i meant i am really really happy enuff liao..i noe lovell wanna make up for all e tym he dint pei me b4..but i am really happy enuff today liao.hmm.today so happy,im just afraid i mite be more greedy..tis way,i cant get use to him leavin me all e tym for his bro..i really wan to get use to it..i dowan him to feel bad and do tis for me..anw,thanks hun!!thanks for tryin to make me happy=)im really happy i get to tok to yew for sooooo long!!!its been ages since we proper toked for so long..i tink e last tym we really tok was lyk when we first started being together..so thanks hun for today!=)i love yew!!!!muuuackx!!=)

he called me back but hang liao..i noe he wanna go pei bro liao.so keep ask me to go slp..so told him no needa pei me le..its fine..he say will fb me..but i doubt he will anw..so,yupps..hmm.its been months already..i tot i wud and shud get use to it already by now..although i expected him to go,but,even until today,when he really goes,my heart will twitch..hmm.dont really noe how to describe it...but my heart feels weird..lyk..i dunno..nvm..hmm..i suppose i just need many more tyms inorder to get use to it ba..i noe i will eventually do..

dint slp aft i woke up just now..hmm.lovell called me at spore10ish..den he fell aslp.den i not wait for hm lo..den he woke up at 3ish den called sch and all tt..den sent in his resume to calton,roxy and intercontinental..b4 he woke up i was aslp liao.fell aslp while watchin drama..den he woke up call and everythin den i wait for him lo..den he find e email den damn dulan cos he cant find it.damn scared of him lo..very slpy until headache oso let him shout until i awake liao..so nv slp le lo..

den today finally get to lyk proper tok to him for awhile,since i dunno when liao!!=)toked bout theme parks and e 'head spinnin' bit which i lyk=)haha!!!=)hmm.den awhile he jiu naughty liao..den he go pom pom den mummy came home wif dinner for him.den he jiu go eat dinner liao..now i oso cant slp le..hmm.he now waitin bro come home den tonight he is gng to go clubbin wif his bro again..so,ya..pei him for awhile more den his bro jiuwill come back le.den he will go pei his bro le.. hmm.he pei bro tat tym den i go slp lo..or maybe not ba..vacuum floor,wash laundry liao den slp ba..dunno..hmm..by e tym lovell come back from club and away from bro,i shud be in bed liao ba if i dont slp soon...hmm.or maybe i shant slp ba..will see how..just hafta tahan..

den george reachin tomolo=)toked to mummy tis mornin again.ask em pass george more stuffs..my sour plum,a zara black skirt which i can wear wif my corset for e nite outs and i oso cant rmb wad liao..yupps.den now hafta wait for george's fone call.she say will call me.so more no needa slp le..yupps..anw,if i dont get to tok to lovell today liao,its fine le=)he toked to me,lyk really chit chat wif me just now liao=)very very happy le=)must noe how to zhi zhu=)thanks hun=)

toked to mummy=)she skyped me wif her iphone4..toked pretty long..they went to pass george e stuffs=)yupps.toked bout my frens.as in spore frens cos she ask me who i tokin to.den i say she dunno de.den she die die oso wan noe.so told her ambrose,den she was lyk how come i dunno him..den start askin me who are those ppl tat came to our hse and stuffs!haha!=)den toked bout lovell too!mummy seems to lyk accept him liao leh..dunno really anot.but very happy when i saw her expression when she was tokin bout lovell.she was worried bout his arm,job,nose and all those..yupps.hopefully mummy is reall accept him le ba=)

hmm.tok to mummy for quite awhile den lovell skype me le=)den told him bout wad mummy said and my tinkins of mummy acceptin him..yupps.hmm.den i was chattin wif ambrose for quite awhile on fb ma.toked bout e past and everythin.haha!=)memories!!!!anw,i type slow slow dowan lovell noe.but he still did.den lovell tot i tokin to mel again!den say i got wai yu again lo.haix..oh well..nvm...den tok tok tok den he say he tomolo gng clubbin again..wif bro..den i rmb yuting just now durin lunch ask me go club wif em tomolo or on thurs.not confirm yet..den i told lovell lo.den he tot i jokin.den when i say really,he lyk not very happy.so im not gng le lo..stay home and watch my drama ba..

hmm.den lovell hungry jiu eat pasta..he eat alot lo!!i see lyk alot lo!den he damn fast jiu finish eatin liao!monster!!!=)den i keep listenin to tis song i suddenly love alot!!!!!''tong ye bu shuo chu kou de wo' by yang pei an=)hehe..okie,den he went back room,den tok den he naughty awhile den he watch his drama..den he started gng on bout our future home..lyk really in details!!i mean details details..hun,not tat i dont lyk..but,i dowan tink so far and i jue de no point tinkin so far now..sorrie..but e way he said it,he was really waitin for tat day to come den make our hse into e hse he described to me=)he was very cute!!!=)hehe=)den aft tat,he listen song,den jiu slp slp le.but he took quite some tym to slp lo..keep dowan to close his eyes!naughty lo!but awhile he jiu fall aslp liao=)he slp awhile,den my com fuckin hang again=(so kup him liao='(sorrie...

hmm.den i was so down for tat moment cos i suddenly felt tat im fat!!!i noe lovell read tis,den he'll go crazy..but,its just tat period of tym,i suddenly feel damn fuckin fat..i wanted to pinch all my fats away!i wanna look skinny and pretty=(i wanna lose weight to look pretty!!!!!haix..oh well,it was tat moment kinda ting..now im fine and lyin in bed already!hahah!=)

ive cleaned up my room for now,tidied allllll my drawers and cupboard..everythin=)yipee=)left wif laundry and floor to vacuum jiu everythin okie liao=)yupps=)

hmm.tomolo lovell gng down to angelo to try and sort out his attachment ting..he is gonna call em and ask bout it.but if still no xiao xi,he is callin principal,den wanna ask him if he can ownself find another one cos he dowan split shift..yupps.so,lets say he tomolo around 2ish3 leave hse,i wudnt be awake yet..so,cant tok to him b4 he goes out..den,by e tym he gets home,his bro is home too le..den he pei bro,den dinner and everythin den pei bro den he gng clubbin wif bro..come home,den pei bro awhile again ba..so i suppose tomolo i'll only tok to him aft he comes home from clubbin den..hmm.hes startin work soon,anytym,its nice for him to go out and enjoy himself now=)hun,just go out and enjoy urself,k?dont hafta worry bout me and dont feel bad!cos yew feelin bad doesnt make any difference!so mite as well just enjoy urself=)muuackx!i love yew hun...

slpt at spore 1ish..waited for lovell to wake up.but he nv wake up..den 2ush he wake up den skype kup liao.den he nv call me.den i keep wakin up to look at my fb and skype.den he nv miss call or fb me..den i finally woke up at uk 820.lovell forgot to wake me up la!!!lyk normal..haha!=)den finally he skype me=)hmm.he say he forgot tat i gotta go to sch lo..idiot!

den we tok abit..hmm.he high..den have his own concert..oh ya.he called e angelo liao..they say chef not in..tink they forgot to tell chef ba..haha!so,dunno when den will start work liao.tomolo he shud be can go interview le  ba..haha!=)okie la.den he high,den i prepare to make up and go sch lo.den dunno y lovell lyk damn quiet...so,ya..den prepare....den go school liao lo.tok to him on e fone instead cos my com fuckin hang!dammit!!toked to him while walkin to sch..reach school on tym..den workshop was fuckin borin liao lo!damn sian!lovell had his mini concert den forgot bout me.den he watch galivers travel den fell aslp..so nv reply again.den i damn sian jiu read news lo....den,went for an hrs lecture..more sian..by den lovell wake up liao.den he pei me fb liao lo.happy happy!=)hehe=)den asked him which games to download=)den download download...den end lecture liao..

gemma,simona,ryan,lukas,kelsey,winnie,neha they all went to catch e movie 'no strings attached'.i oso wanted to watch..but i wanna watch wif lovell.so lie to em say i watch liao.so they went wifout me lo...okie.lecture ended,left together,den simona and kelsey went to tesco and subway get food.den gemma go add more money for parkin..so i walk e same way wif her.den smoke lo.den she was lyk so shocked.she noe i smoke.but nv see my smoke b4 den feel bad cos she nv offer me smoke when she smoke.hahah!=)oh well,we walked till e round about den she walk her way,i walk mine..damn cold today la.so dint buy food..came home den bump into yuting..den she cookin.so she say cook for me too lo=)so had noodles wif her..yum yum..nice!!den damn full!i had i tink 2-3 portions la!!!OMG!!

eat finish,come back room dunno wad to do again..maybe shud clean up my room ba..since george comin on thurs liao...hmm.now lovell fb me too.he in his bros room havin another mini concert..hahah!=)hmm..i realise another ting..sometyms we tok more when we fb and on e fone den when we skype lo..skype tat tym,he will watch his video if not den he naughty naughty den nv tok liao..den he jiu slp le.fb and fone,at least we still got tings to tok...weird huh??hhaa!=)

im watchin kang xi now..lovell is slpin..kangxi is showin tokin bout e marriage!deres 2 couples gettin married in mar..nice..make me miss lovell so damn much=(seein him slp makes me miss him alot..haix=(hun damn cute!!he just now open eye look at his mom den just just gong gong de stare at her..i bet he dunno wad his mom was sayin to him lo!haha!=)den stare stare den he went back to slp liao=)hehe=)den another one was dunno is his mom move table or he ownself kick until table,den he open eye,blink blink blink den blurr blurr de..den went back to slp..damn cute la!!haha!=)

lovell came home and skype me!!=)happy happy!den skype awhile mummy called.so i pretend i outside,on my way back from school..den i toked on e fone wif her standin by e window..hehe!=)so cold la!!freezin!den i tink i saw a naked black guy at e opp kitchen lo!!opps!!not sure if really naked anot though..yupps.hehe=)tok finish wif mummy over e fone she say tok on skype..so,kup e fone le,come back to skype,see hun not dere,den i tot he must have pei bro to high again lo..den ya..den awhile ltr,he came back lo!!den i so happy his dere!!hahahah!=)

den pei him tok awhile,den mummy skype me again..den tok to mummy lo..tok to her 20mins..den by e tym i come back to lovell.he was gone..about to go get a drink..den he see me come back,den he nv go take drink..sorrie..den pei him tok tok tok..den he watch his video..den he wanted watch galivers travel(cant spell),den watch awhile jiu nv watch cos i cant hear clearly..den nv watch lo.den he naughty liao..den ya..den he make me wear tis wear tat show him!idiot!!hah!=)den awhile ltr,my com hang..den he go smoke..den come back tok tok tok.den somebody naughty again lo.haha!=)so ya...

hmm.den settle down tok.den tok awhile he orh orh liao.den he made a slp b4 he slp.den he asked me a question..who i wanna kill,fuck and marry...he say is mel ask him e other tym when he was high at playground wif james and yingchuan.he say kill yl,fuck yc and marry ali..hmm.i dint expect him to wan to fuck yc..hmm.cos she is a virgin so he wanna fuck her..hmm.den i kinda shocked when i heard it..i expected him to wan kill yc..hmm.somemore yc was dere when lovell says he wanna fuck her..if im her,and lovell say he wanna fuck me,i mite have feels for him again..i mean..i dunno leh..if i break up wif lovell,and he says tat infront of ppl,i tink i mite really when him to...yupps..

another ting he toked bout was to take him as my husband now..he wan me to tell him everythin in my heart..but dere are somethings which cannot be said..i just hafta keep it in heart=)hmm.and,he wans me to control him..but im not a person tat wans to control my bf..cos,i wan him to be happy..i wan him to feel as though as he is single and enjoyin his life=)i wan him to be lyk how he was a year ago=)gng out to play wif bros,frens,drink,slpovers,high..everythin...i dont wan him to be limited to just me=)another ting was,he wans me to fight for him if dere was a third party out to ruin tis r/s..but im not tis kinda girl..hmm.to be honest,if deres a third party,it wud mean tat lovells accepted tat girl already..which also means tat he no longer loves me and no longer belongs to me already..so deres seriously no point to fight for him as his heart is wif somebody else already..i noe tats not somethin tat i wanna hear.but tats e truth...i'll still be dere for him if he needs me..even if he just wanted a nite ting,i suppose i wud say yes to him..silly me eh???=)

well,den he tok to me again,den he typed me tis long msg on fb wantin to make me smile cos he say i not happy..i not not happy la.just tinkin bout e fuckin yc ting...well,he sent me e msg tellin me bout his very paiseh tings..i wont say it on here..but thanks hun for makin me smile!=)thanks alot!today i very happy=)he fb me for a period for longer den an hr until he came home=)very happy=)