yuting cooked me noodles den she and her fren brought me to e train station=)bought train ticket and went to platform 1 and waited for e train..got on e train,den lovell called me when he went out to smoke..tok for a min or so den he went to play wif bros frens place liao..den awhile ltr mummy called..nth much so kup le..texted ob when i was a stop b4 st pancras..thru out whole train ride,my mind kept repeatin e same 'short clip' lyk e video was on it repeat mode..it just went on and on and on..

anw,got off at st pancras den took tube to pimlico to meet OB.everythin was very successful..dint get lost or anythin..Ob was late so waited at tube station for her..den they came,walked back to dolphin hse and rest abit..den went out to collect car.reach dere they dont have a small car cos OB dowan drive big one..den they askk us to wait.waited for around 40 mins,another car was driven down from another branch..and apparently e front light doesnt work so cannot drive!!!so in e end aft all those waitins,no car..while waitin,lovell called me..he was stil at his bros fren place..dint really tok much...well,we walked home again..den OB cooked dinner..den washed up and everythin,small OB went to bed le..den big Ob was still in livin room for abit..

den she went to bed,so i went back to room use com..but hun fell aslp le..dint call me..he was high..

i fell aslp at 11ish den woke up cos of e stupid 'short clip' in my head..den yea..kinda stupid havin e 'short clip' repeatin in my head on their own...woke up,shut down com den went back to slp..by den,i cudn fall back aslp anymore..it kept repeatin and repeatin and repeatin=(listen to ipod,tried my very best to..and finally did..but woke up a couple of tyms due to e 'short clip'.it dint feel lyk ive slpt.my mind was workin e whole nite although its been e longest hrs ive 'slpt'..woke up at 6 cos of e same reason..wads wrong wif me?...i hate myself!i really do...woke up at 6,lovell fb me..sorry tat he dint call me and can i not tink so much..hmm.i wud really love not to tink..and i haven..its just lyk a video in my head tat kept repeatin on its own..fb him all e way till 8 and i gave up cos no reply..

OB came in at 8ish9 askin if i wanna go breakfast.so i pretend to be aslp and say no.dowan..so laid in bed wif a 'short clip' playin in my head..hmm.finally he gave me a call at around 9ish sayin he high..and gng to his cousins hse..so,dint tok to him much den he went le.den alan came...prepared to go to liverpool street..small OB stayed home cos she tired..we went.tubed dere.went to get alan his face paint.den walked around lookin for food to eat.in e end went to have burger.was good and big portioned..yupps.sat around den bussed back to victoria.went to boots,clarks and sainsbury..bought groceries for tonites cookin..so wanted to buy cigs.but really scared ob wil see.so dint risk it..fb lovell thru out e whole day..no reply..apparently he fell aslp..hmm.he called when i was at sainsbury..toked to him for abit..den kup le.bussed back to pimlico..

all e walkins tube rides,bus rides,e 'short clip' was on its play mode..it made me tink,why does it actually bother me so much?why?i shudn..its all in e past..but y did it bother me so much since i got tat from yew?well,i did had tat feelin in my heart when i heard it e very first tym..but it wasn dere in a bit?i dunno..maybe it was but i didn show?hmm.its in e past,why?maybe it bothered me cos i toked bout it so many tyms and dint realised yew were actually one of em..or maybe cos yew intend to hide it from me?or maybe purely cos im really bothered bout wad i heard..i dunno=(

reached home awhile.lovell oso reach home le..big ob prepared dinner while me and alan went downstairs to wash our laundry..den lovell called me..toked to him.den he pom pom den he high..den tok awhile more jiu kup le..hmm..so came up and down a couple of tyms to wash n dry clothes..hmm.finally dinner was ready..watched fantastic4 while eatin..den washed e dishes den went down again to collect laundry..tis tym,went to e minimart to get cigs but it was closed.so dint get it.and i admit to bro tat i smoke le.den he say he too.but i not sure if he does or not..so,yea..so walked back den came up den yea..i pom  pom den came back room.

awhile lovell jiu call me liao..he sounded really tired..lyk really tired..toked to him,he was hungry cos he was high..so had baked beans again..toked for a couple of mins den he went to bed..but he dint really fall aslp?he kept wakin up...i held onto e fone..really wantin to tell him tis 'ive so much tings i wanna say to yew,but i really dunno how.'but he kept wakin up..so,i dint say it..e fone kup aft an hr..so went down to get my laundry..everythin done..back to room and typin tis..

hmm.im jealous of lovells life..im gonna keep to wad ive said last nite.im gonna do wadever i wan,legal or illegal,ss i only live once!lovell gets high every now and den..i actually wanna be lyk him..i do..im startin to feel really tired..really really tired..i cant take it anymore.im startin to break apart..2more months till im outta here and being home.a month till george comes.but,i really cant take it although its just a month..i sat by e window while tokin to lovell,i really wanted to be peter pan..i want to be able to step outta e window and fly..i really wanted to go to ecp at now and just sit at e jetty quietly in e dark wif a couple of drinks..im really tired to pretend tat im fine..i just wanna give up.i wanna disappear..i wanna be able to be myself and not live my life for so many ppl..everythin is comin back..smokin,drinkin,wads next?i dunno..maybe its cos of wad ive been told ytd,but yea..maybe minds been workin on e 'short clip' every sec for these 2 days.therefore tired,which now make me tink lyk tat..hopefully it'll all go away.